Severus Snape and the Folly of Hope
by Dichotomus
Summary: Yet another 'Severus goes back in time to save Lily' fic. This time with a twist: Lily doesn't love Severus and never has. How can he save her when she doesn't want him to save her? Easy: by taking away her choice in the matter.
1. Chapter 1

Severus Snape and the Folly of Hope

Chapter 1: The Potion

Severus opened his eyes and let out a deep groan. It was August 12, 1975…again. He didn't even have to look at the calendar. The potion always sent him back to the instant his magical core reached maturity, which just so happened to be while he was sleeping in the early morning hours of August the 12th. Just before his fifth year was about to start.

The potion…how many times had he drunk it now? Twenty? Fifty? A hundred times? He always brews it the day after Lily Potter dies…will die? Has died? Merlin, her damn Gryffindor pride has killed her in literally every life, so much so that he no longer knows in what grammatical tense to describe it in. And then he brews…will brew…has brewed that damn potion…again. And every time he swears that this time he will save her…that this time he will see her pass away peacefully in her sleep of old age. He has yet to be able to keep that promise. She always dies…horrifically, violently…The pain of seeing her glassy eyes staring into nothing never gets any lesser, no matter how many times he sees it.

The potion was of course of Severus' own design. Its creation was inspired shortly after the Granger girl had abused a time turner for the better part of a year. The idea crystalized when she and the boy saved the criminal Black from his justly deserved end. The Time Turner's potion actually did involve the use of a winding time turner at the midway point of its brew. Which is probably the reason why no one had ever thought of it before Severus did. After all, who would be desperate enough to risk an exploding cauldron with an active time turner inside it?

The first time Severus drank his highly experimental potion he had assumed it was an immediate failure. Nothing had happened and the years went by much as they always had. Then as he lay dying in the shrieking shake with Nagini's venom coursing through his veins; as he looked into Lily's green eyes inside of Potter's damnable face he felt it. The most peculiar sensation; it was like going to sleep while wide awake. He had blinked and when he opened his eyes again he was staring at his bedroom ceiling in Spinner's End. He recognized the crack above him immediately.

It took a lot of retrospection to figure out that the potion he had brewed was actually a dark potion; one that required sacrifice to activate. His death was the sacrifice necessary to activate the magic trapped inside of the potion. So every night that Lily dies, he brews it again and then proceeds to devote his life to studying arcane arts waiting for his always violent death to trigger the potion. Lord Voldemort never disappoints: in every life he finds a reason to murder the half-blood prince.

Of course, he could have speed up the process by kidnapping a sacrifice in his own life's stead. But no, he may be Snivellus the slimy Slytherin, but he wasn't that evil. Nor was he that desperate, if his violent death would trigger the potion and his violent death was guaranteed then murdering a hapless stander by was unnecessary.

Severus sighed, meditating on all his numerous schemes to save Lily from Voldemort, from Potter, and even from herself. That's what they were: schemes; pathetic, useless first year Slytherin schemes. He had first tried remaining Lily's friend. He never uttered a single slur or cuss word no matter how bad the marauders got. Lily still cut Severus out of her life, married Potter and got murdered a few years after that, much the same as the first life.

Then Severus tried telling her the truth; that he had travelled through time to warn her about the danger she was in. She had cut him out of her life immediately. She told him that she couldn't tolerate lying Slytherins anymore.

Then Severus tried being a Gryffindor's Gryffindor. He publicly broke ranks with Slytherin and sided with the Gryffindors on almost every matter. He defended muggleborn students in all altercations and even went so far as to turn in so-to-be death eaters for "pranks" that had gone too far.

It changed nothing. Lily cut him out of her life when he defended her friend Mary MacDonald from a serious injury by using Sectumsempra against the attacker, Evan Rosier.

But maybe it was the violent nature of the spell that scared Lily? Next life, Severus used a Stupefy instead. Lily cut him out a week later anyway.

Life after life, it was all the same. No matter what he did, Lily always leaves Severus' friendship behind, joins the marauders, marries Potter, births Harry, and then dies.

It occurred to him that by fifth year Lily was actively looking for a reason to be rid of him. No time for that disgusting Snivellus when there were rich, handsome Potters to be shagging, right?

Isn't that hilarious? For decades—no, for fucking centuries, Severus had thought that if he didn't say the word, if he was a better man then maybe Lily would remain his friend. And maybe, just maybe she could learn to return his ardent affections.

What a fucking fool he was, is, will be. Who could ever come to love a giant, hook nosed bat? No one, that's who. Especially not a woman who was so exceptionally beautiful and intelligent like Lily fucking Potter.

Lily's don't love Severus's. They befriend them when young and there isn't any wizard better around, but when a rich, pretty boy wizard shows up then its game over. Really the only thing that should surprise Severus was that it took Lily five years to decide that she wanted nothing to do with her hideous, bad tempered friend.

The worst part was even after that epiphany broke Severus' soul beyond repair yet again; he still loved her. In retrospect, Severus wished that the revelation that Lily was looking for any reason, any excuse to drop him would allow him the luxury of hating her just a little. But instead his own self-loathing grew and his adoration of her remained untouched.

Not good enough for her are you, Snivellus? Not rich enough, not handsome enough. Just the poor son of a muggle drunk and a broken witch. The only reason Lily ever even tolerated his presence was because he was the only wizard around that tiny spit of God forsaken England. But then they went to Hogwarts and she was surrounded by all sorts of witches and wizards.

Funny, he thought Hogwarts would be the start of his grand adventure. Instead it was the start of Lily ending her friendship with her ugly, little Snivellus. Why hang around Snivellus when there were other, more pretty wizards all pawing after her robes? And of course she would pick the prettiest, richest wizard of all.

James Potter, the fucking king of the lions and destined martyr for the light.

And so Severus stared at his ceiling: desperate for any way that he could save her. Then a thought occurred to him.

If being the lightest wizard of all time wouldn't save her then maybe he had to be the darkest wizard of all to do it.

If Lily always chose to die as James Potter's wife then maybe he would just have to take that choice away from her.


	2. Chapter 2

Severus Snape and the Folly of Hope

Chapter 2:

Sometimes he wondered why he even bothered going back to Hogwarts at all. He had more magical knowledge in every subject taught there than any of the professors. He had more general knowledge of magic than any living wizard and that even included Dumbledore and Voldemort. Of course, he was still behind them in when it came to application. If it could be read in a book or a scroll then he already knew it and practiced it. Mastering it was another matter: Severus was gifted, yes, but the raw power of the Dark Lord and the instinctive affinity Albus had for all types of magic meant that they would still out class him in a head to head duel. Severus was closing the gap through lifetimes of hard work, but he had to accept the fact that he would never be omnipotent. Immortal to a certain extent, sure, but not all powerful.

Severus sneered. What good is immortality when he had yet to enjoy even the most basic happiness during his many lifetimes?

Yes, he did wonder, but then his compartment door would slide open and Lily Evans fresh from her prefects' meeting would join him and he would know immediately why he kept coming back to Hogwarts. If it meant spending time with Lily then he could afford to waste a few years at school. And this Lily was still pretending she wanted to be near him. Beggars can't be choosers. Even if Lily was faking friendship, it was better than the open hostility she will be showing him in a few months' time.

Merlin, the way her smile would still light up the compartment even though it was false, her beauty really could never be dampened. It was little wonder why Potter obsessed over her: she really was, is, will be the most beautiful woman in wizarding Britain. Severus kept his face blank as his thoughts drifted to that miserable cur, Potter and his merry gang of sociopathic criminals. The fact that in every lifetime Potter got to enjoy—be it ever so briefly—carnal knowledge of Lily turned Severus' stomach. And not just Lily: between Potter and Black they had shagged nearly every witch in Gryffindor including not a small number of their junior Gryffindor classmates. Doubtlessly, the rumors were certainly exaggerated: Potter-Black were never ones for telling things like they were. Embellishment to the point of outright lying was to be expected from them. But there was always a kernel of truth in the gossiping of boys when they think no one was listening.

Potter won't be getting a chance with Lily this time, but that meant that Severus had to act fast. Rumors of Potter's conquest of the unattainable Evans would start in just a few short months. It was partly why Severus was blinded by rage when he saw Lily smile that day by the lake. Having a laugh at your fuck boy's antics, are you, dear Lily?

But of course, years of maturity and distance from the rumor of Potter bedding Lily so early allowed Severus to reassess the validity of the rumor itself. Most likely the rumor itself was premature: started by one of Potter's shadows, Lupin or Pettigrew. Most likely Pettigrew: he mistakenly thought he could steal a little of the Marauder's glory for himself and that would allow him some prestige, so he made up a few stories here and there to make himself look better than he really was.

Severus could see the rusted gears turning in that stupid whelp's head: "My friends are rich playboys. That should somehow make me a rich playboy, too. If I exaggerate a few stories here and there and associate myself with their exploits then that should enhance my reputation."

Severus had no doubt that the realization that this wasn't how power, wealth, and philandering worked was what pushed Peter to betray his 'friends' and seek his own power and wealth under the Dark Lord. Stupid boy probably thought he'd have a chance to be a womanizer under the Dark Lord's ruthless rule.

Stupid, ugly Peter couldn't handle being celibate while his buddies were off bedding every single witch he had ever lusted after. He must have been pissed when after years of being one of the Marauders he realized he was still a loser, so having his more successful buddies killed and framed for murder was his only recourse.

Severus sighed, he was getting side tracked analyzing the dysfunction within the Marauders and their psychotic obsession with glory. Ultimately it didn't matter one whit why Pettigrew betrayed them. Potter's cursed seed would doom Lily, so he had to die before he could even have a chance at bedding her. Pettigrew was more Slytherin than any other Gryffindor which meant he was too dangerous to leave alive. Lupin was a fucking werewolf who had almost bit him because of his overreliance on his friends' limited intelligence. Also, he knocked up a girl 15 years his junior, so fuck him and his werewolf rights. Black deserved to die just for existing.

If Severus was going to become a dark wizard then there would be no better way to do so than to make those sociopaths pay dearly for their crimes. Really, death was actually merciful and Severus would be a merciful Dark Lord. There would be no unnecessary pain. Just a brief flash of agony and confusion followed by whatever came next. Most likely those braggarts would all burn in Hell for their numerous affronts to basic decency. Severus couldn't care less about the afterlives he would be sending them to after those wretches stole Lily from him and then let her die repeatedly. The least those incompetent imbeciles could have done in one of those miserable lifetimes was figure out a way to keep Lily alive.

The only person Severus hated more than the Marauders for letting Lily die in every lifetime would be himself. He knew exactly how she would die and no matter how he struggled within the spider's web of Voldemort's machinations she always died. Really, how pathetic could he be to have all the information available to him and not be able to change a single detail?

But this time will be different. How many fucking times had he said that to himself? If he always failed to protect Lily after she left his circle and entered the Marauders' circle then he just had to make sure there were no Marauders to join. But this presented a greater danger of being labeled a rival to the Dark Lord. Such a label would draw the gaze of both Voldemort and Dumbledore upon him. Either one was more than capable of killing him even though Albus would prefer to send him to Azkaban—for the greater good of course. This would mean that he'd have to be as Slytherin as possible. What could be more Slytherin than making the potion during his summer holidays literally years before he would have access to a Time Turner? Immortality would be needed earlier if he was ever going to be a Dark Lord and own Lily forever.

No, that's wrong. He was going to save Lily. Once the danger was passed certainly, he would release her to live out her days in peace, right? Of course, he would, once the danger was passed.

Getting the Time Turner as a child was easier than he'd expected. All he had to do was imitate the Granger girl and pretend to sign up for every class offered to fifth years at Hogwarts. The faculty would then send Slughorn to talk him out of it, and Severus would counter with a few well-placed lies about a desire to learn and lamenting the lack of time in a day. Slughorn would then say he'd look into the matter. The time turner with instructions would arrive a week later.

Really, had he'd known how easy it would be to get a dangerous artifact like a time turner, he would have started this little subterfuge lifetimes ago. But then again, his focus back then was keeping Lily close and safe. A fool's errand if there ever was one simply because Lily didn't want to stay close nor did she care all that much for safety considering how she always joined the Order, became a person of interest to the Dark Lord and got pregnant the same year.

The compartment door slid open suddenly. Only decades of hiding reactions, both as a spy, as a student and as a professor kept Severus from jumping out of skin as he was unexpectedly torn away from his ruminations.

"Hey, Sev," Lily smiled beautifully at him, "I didn't see you much this past week. What have you been up to?"

"Lovely as always, Lily," Severus smiled thinly at her, "I was busy preparing for the coming school year. My apologies for not making an appearance."

"It's okay," Lily smiled back, "I just was wondering where my best friend went."

_She's lying. _

Severus' heart twisted. Centuries of watching Lily slip away from him had made him highly sensitive to Lily's tells. When she pays him an out of left field compliment, then she's fucking lying. He had to earn every earnest compliment she had ever given. When she just throws one out there then she's fucking lying. The bitch. The beautiful, unattainable bitch.

_Best fucking friend, right. She probably hadn't thought of him all week and just now realized that they hadn't seen each other at all. She probably spent all week touching herself while thinking of her golden boy, James Potter, or maybe she got herself a filthy muggle to fuck for the summer._

_No, stop, that isn't right. Centuries of living without her and living in the shadow of her betrayal was warping his view of her character. Especially her character as an adolescent woman. Just because she could get any man with in a 50 kilometer radius of her did not mean she did so. Just because she secretly hates him does not necessarily mean she never thinks of him….Right? _

_Enough, Severus, enough. Yes, Lily, the love of your multiple life times, hates you and secretly is looking for any reason to be rid of you. Enough, yes, Lily, your best and only friend, desperately wants a handsome, wealthy lover to sweep her off her feet of which you are neither. Enough, yes, Lily, never loved you and never will. More-so-over, she never even considered the possibility of ever loving someone as ugly and poor as you. No witch could ever love him. No woman on this wretched planet could ever love him._

_So, it's okay that Lily doesn't love him. Its not like he is missing out by fixating on saving Lilly. He hasn't missed a goddamn thing: women don't ever love ugly, poor, hooked nosed, halfblooded wizards such as himself. He could have thrown himself into wooing witches over his many lifetimes and still have to same empty outcome. The best a man such as Severus could ever hope for was a warm night with a desperate prostitute. Even if he manipulated a woman into accepting his wedding ring, it wouldn't change that she never had and never would love him. So it makes little difference: he devoted his life to Lilly—a woman who would never love him—instead of to a wife, who also would never love him. _

"Sev! Severus!?"

Severus blinked, "What?" he said sourly.

"Are you okay? You just sort of faded away and stared into nothing for like 5 minutes," Lilly looked mildly disturbed.

"I'm fine," Severus stated, "I just got lost in thought."

"You looked angry…" Lilly stated back.

"I'm fine," Severus stated sharply.

"You looked hurt."

"I'm fine," It came out weaker now.

"You're crying, Sev."

Severus brought a finger to his cheek. It came back wet.

"Indeed, I am," Severus whispered. "Isn't that a wonder? I had thought that I had run out of them."

"Oh, Sev, what on earth happened to you over summer?" Lily seemed genuinely concerned.

_Seemed. Now that's the operative word if there ever was one._

_Tell her the truth._

_And have her cut him loose after a record five minutes of talking to her post reset? Never._

"Sev? You're fading again…"

Severus blinked again, "I suppose I realized that I'm tired of despairing after I've lost."

"What have you lost?" Lily asked perplexed

"Everything, Lilly," Severus cursed his impulsive revelation. "Everything that matters."

"That doesn't make sense, Sev. How could you lose everything in the span of a few weeks during the summer Holidays?"

_Tell her the truth._

"Centuries."

"What?" Lily blinked.

"You said 'weeks.' I am correcting you: the correct word is 'centuries.'"

"Now you're really not making sense," Lily chuckled slightly.

"Lily, we are on an invisible train that departs from a platform hidden by a wall you can walk through in the heart of London and travels all the way to Northern Scotland to practice magic at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and now you say that the word 'centuries' makes no sense." Severus stared at her gorgeous green eyes.

"So what? You're a centuries old wizard who I just so happened to meet while I was ten and you looked to be 10?" Lily sardonically asked.

"No Lily, I'm a centuries old wizard whose been living the same three decades over and over again." Severus fixed her with a steady gaze, "And I'm tired of losing everything. I'm tired of losing you."

* * *

End chapter. A kind reviewer corrected my chronology about chapter one. I believe that has been corrected.


	3. Chapter 3

Severus Snape and the Folly of Hope

Chapter 3

Severus settled into his bed in the Slytherin dorms and reflected on his momentary lapse of restraint. He had always esteemed himself on his ability to think several steps ahead of the average wizard or witch; the momentary lapse when he uttered that vile word down by the lake in his first life notwithstanding. And it would seem that Lily had a way of pulling lapses of restraint out of him regularly. After hundreds of years mastering his own emotions, 5 seconds with her is all it takes to have him bearing his soul to her.

Hundreds of years in quiet, desperate isolation must have started warping his ironclad self-control. Or maybe he just wanted all the many years of sacrifice and loneliness to mean something. Maybe he wanted her to at least acknowledge the terrible burden he had been bearing for her sake before she turned away from him to marry Potter. Something, anything to at least alleviate the nihilism that had clouded his mind for the past hundred years.

So, in her beautiful presence he broke and told her the truth. Not all of it, just enough to see what her reaction to the truth would be. And Lily didn't disappoint: the look of stunned, incredulous disbelief was evident. He had spoon-fed her everything she would need to figure out exactly what his feelings were for her. Of course, she didn't address those emotions at all. Lilies simply do not acknowledge the adoration and devotion of any hooked nosed bats even when they are obviously stated directly to her by said hooked nosed bat.

Instead, she chose to focus all of her attention on scrutinizing his admission of immortality. Really, that was one of the qualities Severus admired most about Lily Evans: she was always seeking to learn even if she was equally doubtful as to the validity of the subject. It's probably how she came up with the Blood magic that saved her brat from the Killing curse. Merlin knows Potter Senior or Potter Junior would never in a million years come up with a spell so potent.

Unfortunately for her, Severus was adamantly against sharing the method of his immortality with anyone including Lily. The worst thing that could possibly happen was it falling into the wrong hands. Telling Lily meant word would eventually reach the Marauders and through the rat it would reach Voldemort's ears as well. The last thing Severus needed was Voldemort ripping the formula for his potion out of his mind and becoming immortal as well.

Wizarding Britain had a hard-enough time beating the Dark Lord when he had just one lifetime to plan his conquest. Good luck surviving if he had infinite lifetimes at his disposal.

No, Lily must never know about the potion or how it was made, though Severus could tell that his refusal to divulge it perturbed and irritated Lily. This Lily had never experienced a Severus that wouldn't share all his secrets with her. She was used to being the hole in Severus' armor. And if Severus was honest with himself, she remained exactly that to him and his enemies: a vulnerability; one that was easily exploited. How many times had Black gotten the upper hand simply by throwing a crude comment about Lily's knickers while exchanging spell fire? How many times had the Dark Lord tortured him using memories of Lily just prior to executing the half blood prince for any whim he had? How many life times did Dumbledore twist his love and guilt into serving the light with an almost slave-like devotion?

Is it any wonder why he continuously failed when the thought "What would Lily think?" constantly froze him from doing what was necessary? Lily's morality was that of a Gryffindor child even after she grew up, had a baby, and fought in a war; yet it remained a chain upon him; holding him to the light.

But no more, by Merlin, this time Lily would live even if it meant diving into dark magicks the likes of which would cause Lily to run screaming into the Marauders' arms. Too bad in a week the Marauders will all be dead. Severus smiled at the soft joy the thought brought him. It will be hard for Lily to commit suicide by Potter's seed when Potter will be moldering in the grave.

* * *

Lily didn't know what to make of the conversation on board the Hogwarts Express. A part of her wanted to discount everything Sev said as simply being melodramatic. She'd done it before; it was really easy for her to convince herself that Sev was exaggerating here and embellishing there. After all, he was a Slytherin and Slytherins were expected to play fast and loose with the truth. And anyway, Sev's melodramatic tendencies became extremely apparent when he started accusing James and his friends of almost criminal levels of bullying. James was a Gryffindor and everyone new that Gryffindor House stood for truth and justice and bravery. Sure, James and his friends liked to have a laugh every now and again, but no Gryffindor would every do what Sev accused them of doing. Lily was almost insulted whenever Sev started accusing her House of underhanded deeds. Everyone knew that was the realm of Slytherin and not the noble house of Gryffindor.

But…but there was a desperation around Sev's eyes in that train compartment that Lily could not simply ignore. She had ignored that faint glimmer of desperation before. For weeks, months and years she'd ignored it. Ignored him and the desperation in his eye. Desperation for what? Lily didn't even know, nor had she ever really asked herself the question.

But something over the summer hols had stoked that faint glimmer of desperation and hopelessness into a raging inferno. In fact, for a long moment during that conversation, Lily was certain that the inferno of desperation inside Sev's eye had cracked his psyche. That her oldest wizarding friend had completely lost his mind. But then Sev blinked and the haunting look in his eye had….well not vanished, but ebbed away slightly. Just enough for Lily to see that her…friend?...was still sane or at least somewhat sane underneath all that desperation and despair.

But still that look scared her and, for the hundredth time, Lily once again considered cutting of contact with Sev. Really, it would be for the best. She'd finally be free to speak openly about how vile the whole house of Slytherin was. She could stop being expected to jump to their defense with a rehearsed "Not all of them are bad." Honestly, she was tired of saying it and even more tired of seeing her fellow Golden Gryffindors roll their eyes at her. She could finally fancy a Gryffindor boy without having to worry about word getting back to Sev and having him launching into a tirade about the self-absorbed fame and glory-seeking of Gryffindor.

And Sev would benefit from the breakup too.

_No, "breakups" are for dating couples, Lily Evans. Sev is your dear…friend._

Okay, then Sev would benefit from mutually ending their friendship. He could finally stop pretending to not care about Blood status. He would be free to use his half-blood heritage to gain some standing within Slytherin, the house of blood purity. Really, being a half blood was almost as good as being a pure blood. At least Sev never had to worry about being relentlessly bullied by Pure blooded Slytherins who had unrestricted access to all sorts of dark magic in their family's library. Pure blooded Gryffindors never, ever bullied anyone based on their blood status. Gryffindors played pranks, sure. But it never crossed the line into bullying and James himself said numerous times within her earshot that blood status is a load of shite. So, logically when James chose to play a prank on Sev—anyone, she meant anyone—then clearly, it had nothing to do with their blood status.

Really, it would be for the best. But then the haunting look in Sev's eye would flash into her mind and at least some part of Lily knew all her rationalizing was full of shite. Severus never looked like that ever. Severus was never meant to look like that.

_I'm tired of losing everything. I'm tired of losing you._

And Severus never spoke like that. Ever. Something had occurred over Summer Hols. Something that had traumatized her Sev. And, while their relationship was hanging by a thread, Lily was curious as to what really happened to Sev to make him act that way. Curious enough to hold on for just a little while longer.

But then a thought stopped her thinking cold.

_What if he was telling the truth?_

* * *

And end chapter. Its a shorter chapter today. I wanted to devote the entirety of this update to understanding the frame of mind Lily at the start of 5th year and Severus after countless failures. Please read and review, I enjoy seeing what people make of my work.


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